The Style Invitational Week 868 Let us count the ways
Saturday, May 8, 2010; C02
On Facebook recently, the
poetically inclined Loser Brendan Beary mused that he "heard '99
Luftballons' for the first time in about 20 years or so. Of course I wonder how
many Luftballons that would be today, if they were adjusted for
inflation." The more pragmatically inclined Loser Peter Metrinko read his
post and thought: Style Invitational contest.
This week: Give us some musings of a
technical wonk.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a book called "Pun
Enchanted Evenings," which was sent to the Empress in hopes that she would
publicize it. Okay! Among the "746 original word plays" that will
"make you laugh out loud -- guaranteed": "What would you call an
illness you get every six months? Sicklical." "What would you call a
washroom on Mount St. Helens when it's erupting? A lava-tory!"
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, May 17. Put "Week 868" in the subject line of your e-mail, or
it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published June 5. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Phil Frankenfeld;
this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.
Loser on board: In the
slideshow at the top right of this page is a photo of Uberloser Russell
Beland's car, defaced (at least temporarily) with some of the hundreds of Loser
bumper stickers and magnets he's won over the years. Surely he'll be driving it
to Saturday's Flushies, the Losers' annual awards luncheon, in College Park.
Report From Week 864, in which we asked you to take the concept of a spoonerism and apply
it to a single word or a name to create a new term: The little hitch was that
we didn't define very well what a spoonerism was -- we basically said that you
had to move some letters around -- and so we resolved to be flexible in what we
allowed, in keeping with the primary Style Invitational dictum of It Has to Be
Funny.
The winner of the Inker
Inpocchio: Imprisonment for
lying. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
2.winner of the genuine Splat
brand Russian toothpaste in chili flavor:
Thirber: Someone who makes up
a story about the secret life of another person. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)
3. Karping: "You'll
never fit in that space, Harold. You're too close to the curb, Harold!"
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
4. Scorohope: Believing
you'll get lucky because of your sign. (Chris Lopez, Reston, a First Offender)
Hashed dopes: Honorable mentions
Carsophagus: A
hearse. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Merthometer: Something to let
you know how much fun you're having. (Arthur Gardner, Brookfield, Wis., a First
Offender; Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Revizon: A cable company
whose rates increase every month. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)
Cardhore: A serious
shopaholic. (Craig Dykstra)
Irefarms: Rural
militia camps. (Chris Doyle)
Moca: The new
anti-caffeinated drink from Starbucks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Golyplot: Oh gosh, I bet
those those jabbering foreigners are conspiring against us! (Edmund Conti,
Raleigh, N.C.)
Copmuter: A radar detector.
(Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Spacerhype: A NASA press
release. (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario, a First Offender)
Batty-Batty-Ching-Ching:
Michelle Bachmann's fundraising strategy. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
Limitiaman: A gun
control advocate. (Chris Doyle)
Beenytopper: A yarmulke with
Justin Bieber's picture on it. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman)
Bellyjeans: Your pants on
Easter Monday. (Craig Dykstra)
Retromail: An even slower way
to move things around D.C. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)
Wishdasher: A husband who
dines, then reclines. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Doomy's: Bearish
Wall Street ratings service. "The Dow is falling! The Dow is
falling!" (Chris Doyle)
Cop porn: Blue movies. (Ann
Martin)
Spintripe: A corporate
spokesman. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)
Nagivator: A GPS that tells
you where to go in that special tone of voice. (Richard Gilliam, Hyattsville, a
First Offender)
Cureaubrat: An administrator
at a reform school. (John O'Byrne, on vacation in Budapest)
Phedopile: What the public
has gotten from the Vatican. (Anne Kinney, Charlottesville, a First Offender)
Notechlogist: A guy who still
cuts trees with an ax. (John English, Falls Church, a First Offender)
Fedecate: To drop another
load of unfunded congressional mandates. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Gamazine: A publication
devoted to shapely legs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Lasoon: Where cowboys go to
tie one on. (Jeff Contompasis)
Lootfights: Broadway contract
negotiations. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Medocrat: a liberal with big
health-care ideas. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn. )
Misday: The realization that
you're never going to get to that morning meeting after last night's bender.
(Ward Kay, Vienna)
Varioli: Pasta stuffed with
leftovers. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
Nemisary: Where Inspector
Javert, Lex Luthor and Dumbledore went to college. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington)
Porculent: Same as the
original. (Tim Livengood, Columbia)
Poreflay: What goes on in a
Swedish sauna. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)
Quipspeak: Kids
say the darnedest things. (Chris Doyle; William Bradford, Washington)
Rattmess: Why you should
never sleep at a one-star motel. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman)
Staypub: To drink away the
few bucks left of your wages after taxes. (Ernie Staples, Burtonsville)
Tealmime: Someone gesturing
wildly for Heimlich assistance. (Kevin Dopart)
Veepish: Unhappy at accepting
second billing. (Lois Douthitt)
Wee fray: A mild case of road
rage. (Craig Dykstra)
Ramathon: A five-hour
demolition derby. (Tom Witte)
Yarnbard: Aesop. (Craig
Dykstra)
Next week: "No Googlenopes left," or
Nyetscape